not my own

when i was little, i've always wanted to grow up really quickly. i observed every adult around me and they seem to be having a good time, nobody telling them what to do, where to do it, or when to do it. my mom even told me that when i grow older, i'd have all the time in the world to play. this was back when i was just a lazy student and my grades were just average. i guess even to this day my academic records would just be good at best.

fast forward ten to fifteen years, i realised that maybe growing old wasn't that fun anymore. work and chores to be done. more and more responsibilities. less play time, seriously. people would start expecting stuff of you.

but the worst is that you can't live your life just for you.

formalities, a notion that's done everywhere in every class of any living human being. i'm sure you've been there. the small talks, the fake smiles, long and boring chit chat and you could even end up arguing who's going to pay the bill after a meal with someone you don't even know. just pay the damn bill.

yes, we live in a society. we need to interact.

maybe not too much?

i hate formalities and the fake smiles, but i still do them nonetheless.

me smiling (or at least try to be interested in whatever conversation is happening) would be the best defense mechanism and a complete time saver. think about it. people wouldn't think (on the outside) that anything's bothering you. can you imagine sitting at conversation and one is frowning even before the conversation even started? wouldn't you be thinking to yourself about what he/she could be frowning about? if everyone on that same table is doing that same thing, wouldn't the dinner/lunch be awkward? awkwardness would lead to silence and we all know that silence during a conversation could feel like an eternity.

and with this happening day after day after day, i'm beginning to think that my life and even my actions aren't my own anymore. my body even began to act on it's own once these situations occur. sure we have rules and norms, but most importantly shouldn't i be doing what i feel like doing instead of doing whatever's enforced to me as long as it doesn't disturb the turning wheels of society?

and this has also managed to crawl into the only consciousness i have left, my mind.

i'd always thought my mind is a free entity. an exclusive area. me only. i can do whatever i want to it. i can fill it with knowledge, power, dirt, even shit. i can even choose to pick some turn of events recorded in it, put them in a little box, seal it and put it away in a section in my mind called memory. i can choose to remember it, or ignore it. but nowadays other people always seem to have the need to know what's in it. people need to peek inside and poke their fingers on it. any inability to comply from my side would be taken as i'm not accessible enough and this would be a complete time waster with all the questions thrown at me with no stopping until answers are deemed reasonable or at least acceptable.

again sometimes, in these kind of situations, my mind would send signals to my body and commands the mouth to just say whatever the listener wants to hear in order to save time, effort and energy. it would also, in retrospect, select some of the words spoken by the other parties and enable them to get heard or block them from getting heard depending if they are relevant to my world or not.

now, it seems only late at night my thoughts can be my own.

maybe ignorance is bliss.

googling myself

and I found these:
Maschmeyer: Quote, featuring one of my photos (pls ask for my permission next time).

Flickr Hive Mind, which I never know existed before

Will be moving to the new house next week.